I always check in with My play partners after W/we meet. It is a part of My aftercare process; for them and for Myself. It helps Me to settle emotions and thoughts for the both of U/us.
This check-in was no different, except that the play partner in question had never played before – and I largely threw him into the deep end. At an event made up of advanced kinksters and Professional Mistresses.
But I knew this one could take it; and I was prepared to be his unwavering support.
Here are his words:
So my thoughts about yesterday…
First things first, I am extremely grateful for your invitation into a new realm and for everybody’s kindness and warmth there. My mind is fusing, i still have tons of questions and wonders that are not structured yet enough to be expressed orally. Everyone but especially you made it a lot easier that what i thought it would be.
I knew i liked the idea of role play but never got to experience it. What makes it special in this instance is the brew of desire and fear, the mix of excitement and anxiety, the feeling of losing control and being at the mercy of someone. The amount of mutual trust that goes on is extremely powerful and somehow sexual. Your refined description of what goes on during the needle scene in the actors mind was quite touching.
Now how did it fare relative to my vague expectations (i had a huge range of wild expectations). Let’s say that i have seen more “wicked” things than i thought i would and that you have treated me less “harshly” than i thought you would have. You’ve been a gentle mistress! This experience was neither better nor worse than my expectations – i came as a wonderer and was simply happy to be part of what was.
I found the “let’s go and have dim-sum” at the end of all this rampage extremely funny! I still laugh thinking about it.
Very importantly, I am happy i did that with you. You are cerebral, you make sense and as i told you yesterday you are elegantly coherent in your own world.
Your refined persona gave a lot of depth to this experience.
Thank you C.
It is a dream to hear you write what you have. The depth of your watching both of the scene and within yourself is a special thing.
You seem to have taken the best understanding from what you saw and sat in that I could have hoped for.
I am curious as to what things you thought were wicked and what your wild expectations looked like.
You use the words role play so this last thought might not touch you as harshly. But one concern (that I always have) is that when we move in the spaces of Dominance and submission the brew that you mention holds us. But as we step out of it, it can leave us with a gap in our emotions or even in exhaustion at times. This again, may not touch you the same way as when it’s experienced as a need of personality as opposed to ‘role play’ – but if anything of the sort comes to experience feel free to speak up any time.
This brings us to what we call aftercare, which dim sum definitely kindly contributes to.
Thank you again C. An honour having you.
« Wicked » with brackets – I don’t mean it to be judgmental. I guess what I mean by that is things that I didn’t know even existed . The catheter was definitely the peak there – makes me shiver thinking of it!
As per my wild expectations – it was a mix of several things maybe more easily discussed orally. But I had no idea of how many people there would be (I thought between 3 and 15 but closer to the former), how threatening would the setting be (dungeon vs apartment), how grounded the other people would be and how much you would push me (during the week i thought about what I think I could do, what I would actually once in the setting [can be both galvanising and inhibiting], what you thought I could take, what you thought I thought you would make me do and the infinite number of combination following the above pattern). In some of these scenarios I wondered if I wouldn’t end up like Alrik with Mistress Iris and Anastaxia. Brain distortion and emotional roller coaster at its finest.
I totally understand your comment on the emotional bound that can be created through a shared intense experience. This is well documented in the war literature I mentioned for example. In my case two things. For one I don’t think I was pushed to my limit where things « break » living space to the reconstruction of new bound (if that makes sense). Secondly as you have noticed I kind of know where I stand in life and as such I am not easily shattered. Permanent alteration of reality through an intense game. That is both fascinating and frightening. I like the idea…